The Long Con

So let's say you really dislike someone. Like, reeeeaaallly dislike them and are looking for a way to exact some passive aggressive revenge. Well, let me tell you, have I got the plan for you. Now, it's a pretty round about way to go about things but the payoff will be so worth it.

Step 1: Convince the revengee to come live with you. This may take some time.

Step 2: Acquire an ornery toddler, the barfier the better. This may seem like it would take some time but really all you would need to do is loiter around the toy aisle a Target for long enough and eventually someone would just offer one to you.
Step 3: Acquire an ill-trained, unhousebroken dog. These can be had quite easily. Dogs over 50 lbs. are considered a plus.
Step 4: Give diarrhea to everyone in the house who is approximately 3 ft. tall.
Step 5: Go away for three days, leaving the revengee alone with the toddler and the dog.
Step 6: Success! The revengee will hate you. Nay, haaaaaaate you.

As an added bonus you can come back for a few days and then LEAVE ALL OVER AGAIN. And then plan to go away for every weekend for the whole summer as well.

That'll show 'em.

Now All We Need is a Trampoline

Doggie!!!!

And yes, I know he looks disturbingly like Elby. Them's the breaks with inbreeding. Bruce found him via our good friend, Craig, and his venerable list. While I would have preferred to go the shelter route, he was still a doggums in need of a new home. If you want to make a big deal out of it, I'd be happy to take it up in person. Currently his name is Chief. We'll see how that goes. Calder, naturally, is pleased.

Just a Prick

Yesterday I had to watch three of my beloveds get jabbed with needles. Only one of which did not poop all over himself in the carrier on the way there. That one got cake and ice cream for his troubles. The other two got a trip back to the vet for dental cleanings.

Now let me tell you, watching you child get his shots is troubling to be sure but a blood draw? Is horrifying. Thank god Bruce came along for this because I am not entirely certain that I could have been the one to physically restrain Calder so the nurse could jab a giant needle into his elbow-pit.

While Calder writhed on the examining table and made awful, terrible noises, I busied myself in the allergy lab forms, checking off whatever the hell I wanted to get him tested for. There were about 60 options to choose from which allowed me to totally go into my own head and block out the fact that we were in the process of physically and emotionally harming our child. There were so many choices, many of which I had no prior knowledge of, after marking down eggs, I was basically checking things at random. Like, "Hmm, he never eats shellfish so maybe we should check that just in case. What about bees? And Eastern Ragweed, those both sound good. He's been eating peanut butter for a good year and a half but you never know, let's throw that in there just in case."  The lab people are going to think I am b-a-n-a-n-a-s but when they check out my insurance coverage they will probably wonder why I didn't just x in everything.

When it was over he got a circus bandage and about a dozen stickers of various Pixar characters. I would have given the kid a puppy right on the spot if the nurse had pulled out a basket of those too.

Speaking of puppies, it's looking like project re-dogginate the household is going to have to be put on hold. If you are a renter most rescues and shelter require a phone call to or note from your landlord assuring them that dogs are, in fact, allowed. Our landlord however is in (not kidding) Albania for the next six weeks with his entire family so we can't get a reference from him. Or his wife. Or cousin. Or whomever the hell else answers telephone over there.

A Sailor's Life

On Sunday, Calder took a marker, colored in his forearms and called them his "tattoos".

So... I guess he probably shouldn't hang out with Uncle Jay that much anymore.

Oh, and happy first birthday Baby Caro-lion!

Underpaaaaaaants!

Today we sent Calder off to daycare in his big boy undies along with a healthy supply of back-ups.

This will either go really, really well or really, really poorly. 

I am crossing my fingers. We were out of the house nearly all day on Saturday and for a big portion of Sunday and he did perfectly. He has also slept in them for the last few nights without incident so I am hoping this will be a success. 

Now the important question, at what point do I get to officially start bragging to people that my kid is potty trained?

Little Things

Due to the massive humidity this weekend, I decided in lieu of washing my hair, I would just straighten it instead. As soon as I put down the iron and walked out of the bathroom Calder told me, "I like your hair, Mommy."

And then he said, "I got you tacos."

He is going to make somebody very happy someday.

Calder's Gift

For Father's Day Calder gave his dad the one thing he probably didn't expect...

... a diagnosis!

It's eggs! Calder is allergic to eggs! At least that is what I have been led to believe by the massive rash he developed while "helping" me make Bruce's father's day breakfast. I am going to call his doctor tomorrow to see if we can get him tested and have this confirmed. This explains so very much. The rashes, eczema, the seemingly unprovoked vomiting. I am SO excited about this!

Calder.... not so much.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the daddies out there. And the single moms who act like dads. And step-dads, you're probably awesome too. And especially Bruce who, I know I give a lot of shit to, but is in fact a really great dad.

AND AND to my daddy, the greatest one of them all. Nightly foul shots and pitching practice as parenting may seem a little unorthodox at first but it turns out it works pretty well. Thank you!

Halfsies

Happy half-birthday Calder! Wish I could get you a dog for your halffy but apparently shelters don't like people who live in apartments. Or have cats. Or two-year-olds.

So instead, here's a boxer jumping on a trampoline. And because it's un-embeddable, here's another.

Testing... Testing...

Still no wireless in the house but Bruce has jerry-rigged a monitor to the netbook so I can at least see the screen without a magnifying glass  now. I would still need freakishly small hands to type efficiently on this thing so posting it still a huge pain in the ass.

Today at daycare they handed us a questionnaire to fill out. It's called the ASQ:SE. At first I was all, "Oh sure whatever" but now that I have looked at the questions and of course googled it I have  my concerns.

From the website:

ASQ:SE is a screening tool that identifies infants and young children whose social and emotional development requires further evaluation to determine if referral for intervention services is necessary.

Uuuh, wut? Are they saying there is something wrong with my child? Did the school give this to everyone? I didn't see them give this to everyone. Then again there were no other parents there when we picked him up so maybe but then again he has been shoving a lot and he recently started licking people. Super, now I am losing my mind over this.


I am currently wondering if I can locate the scoring key to this test because while I am fairly certain that Calder doesn't currently exhibit any symptoms of being on the Autism spectrum, which this test is clearly screening for, maybe he has indicators of another totally different behavioral problem of which I am totally not aware. Like, what if they think Calder is some sort of sociopath? He totally stomped on a toad that once and, again, with the hitting. That's so not normal, right? OH MY GOD I'M RAISING A SERIAL KILLER.


Of course Bruce is the one dropping him off tomorrow so I won't likely get any answers to all this since Bruce can be sort of useless like that. I once had to write out a list of questions for him to take to Calder's doctor after one of his particularly bad allergic reactions way back when. It's not that Bruce doesn't care of stuff like that, it just doesn't occur to him to care. Usually that's because I always have this stuff covered. Perhaps I need to stop being such an awesome parent for a little while and let Bruce start hoisting his portion of the concern around here.

Double Trouble

My wireless internet at home has crapped out leaving a netbook with a freakishly small screen and keyboard as my only connection to the outside world. Well, that and my cell phone. And my house phone. And my ipod touch if I go outside and stand near some unprotected wi-fi.

Fine, whatever. I am not completely cit off. What I am unable to do, however, is to get any photos off of my behemoth desktop that is currently functioning as a photo-storing/spider solitaire-playing paperweight.

So instead of new pictures of Calder at the Blackhawks parade, there will be old pictures of Calder with special guest, Cousin Q. All of these were taken during the Great Surprise Birthday Mom-tacular of Mid-May 2010.

Impatiently waiting for the brunch to be served. Possibly planning a joint raid on the chocolate fountain.

"Look! A cow!" "No, you look! A bug!"

 Reading John Grisham at the birthday party. They chose this over Dora. I think they both had sunstroke.

"You wanna go eat the rest of the cake? I hear only Grampa is supervising it."

(Not So) Little Things

Last night I noticed that underneath all the stickiness and grime, Calder was looking positively gangly lately so this morning I put him up against the height chart in him room and found that he is approximately three quarters of an inch taller than the last time we measured him.

The date next to that last hash mark? April.

Whose Side Are They On, Anyways?

Today Bruce sent Calder off to day care in his Blackhawks jersey in advance of the possibly historic game six tonight.

Too bad Bruce didn't predict Calder falling into the toilet at school (seriously) and requiring the use of his back-up clothes. So what's he wearing now as we watch the first period? A orange t-shirt.

I think they first intermission will determine whether the pantsless wonder gets jammied a little earlier than usual tonight.

Odd 'n' Ends

Apparently, the key to getting Calder to use the potty consistently just is letting him run around in his altogether. It's not that he doesn't know he's not supposed to go in his pants, he's just too lazy to bother pulling his shorts down.

I really hate it when animated film franchises last so long that the original voice talent leaves. See Land Before Times I through One Billion and Pokemon: The Legend of the One Guy and Everything that Happened After for examples.

I've said this before and I will say it again. RoseArt Washable markers. Not actually washable.

Molson never really got along with Elby. In fact, Molson peed all over me the first day we brought Elby home. That being said, I am fairly certain Molson would like us to get another dog ASAP since he has been the one to bear the brunt of Calder's love since Elby's passing.

Calder refers to every playground playmate that he encounters as his "gril friend". Actual gender of the child is not taken into consideration.

Putting Jeopardy on TV will put Calder sleep almost instantly. It's usually preceded by the statement, "Let's watch something boring now!" Fear of losing this power prevents me from abusing it however.

Related, while I am enjoying catching up on my competitive stories, I really, really hope Calder doesn't pee on me while napping.