Little Things

Calder, during Catherine O'Hara's Olympic closing ceremony speech, "Siiiiigh. I love Canadians."

Oh good, 'cause otherwise that'd be awkward

It is Done

I apologize for the lack of posting lately, there is this little thing you may have heard of, the Olympics, that is taking up most of my free time. It's very difficult to find time to be creative when you are spending around six hours a night watching minor sports that were invented as a Norwegian bar bet. To be fair I am doing waaaaay better than I have been for the last few Olympics. For Beijing and Torino I was setting the DVR to record ALL Olympic coverage and zipping through about 20 hours of footage a night. Sometimes I think Bruce secretly still hates me for that.

Despite my current preoccupation with bobsledding beefcake and Johnny Weir, Calder has kept on keepin' on with the whole growing up thing. I finally figured out why he has been such a pain in the ass lately when, while sitting on the couch with him at 11 pm, he sleepily asked me to feel his teeth. (Yeah, I don't know. He's a weird kid. He's also developed a relationship with four mugs that are sitting on the kitchen windowsill of the building next door to ours.) Turns out, Calder is sprouting two lower molars and possibly some on the top. Not sure because he quickly came to his senses and bit me like the crankpot that he has recently become

So why was Calder sitting in the living room with at that late hour instead of being peacefully asleep in his crib? Because he can get out now, that's why. Last night, a friend came over to watch the women's ice skating finals (naturally) while Bruce was at hockey. We put him to bed around 9:45 which was already past his bedtime but having Erin there had wound him up. He cried for a bit but then settled down. Around 10-15 minutes later Calder started wailing again and Erin seemed concerned. I dismissed it as something he does all the time and said he'd settle down soon and was ready to un-pause the skating when Erin said, "It sounds like he's getting closer." Sure enough, the toddler Doppler effect crescendoed with Calder bursting into the living room and dropping into Erin's lap with a gallon-ful of heaving sobs.

So, now we have absolutely no way of keeping Calder in his bed, or even his room at night. I could put one of those plastic knob covers over his door handle but the two we have are currently being employed to keep Calder inside the apartment. I can't even in good conscience put him to bed anymore unless I am certain he will immediately fall asleep since I now have this pathological fear of him falling and breaking his neck trying to escape the confines of his bed. Hence his still being up at eleven last night.

So, yeah. I don't know. I am kind of at a loss here, sorta like when we are in Target and Calder is busy tantrumming away in housewares and I just stand there and blankly stare at him because I just have no idea how I am supposed to fix this.

So it Begins

Last night I caught Calder in the process of escaping from his crib. Or at least trying to. When I walked in he was perched on top of the rail, with a leg on each side. It's possible that he was stuck there, straddling the crib, since he was making no attempt to get down from his perch. I have no idea how long he was up there actually.

Now, it seems, we will never be able to get Calder to go to bed at a reasonable time. He won't stay in his crib, he won't sleep in the converted bed. He won't even just stay in his room playing since he has mastered the art of doorknobs.

I think the next step is acquiring a real life toddler bed. The more bright colors, doo-dads and other toddler-attracting gew-gaws, the better. Like a race car bed. Or a Thomas one. Or this.

So a a-toddler bedding we will go. And installing a deadbolt on Calder's door. That should do the trick.

Some Things

• It is nearly the end of February and Calder has yet to get really sick this winter. He's had coughs and runny noses yes, but he hasn't had a real barf/poosplosion/ear infection/fever type illness since his couple day bug in mid-December which is technically not winter. Yay?
• The one place Calder absolutely cannot keep his shit together is Target. I don't know why but that place is totally Calder's undoing. We arrive with a perfectly content child, excited to go shopping and we end up with a mini-demon writhing on the floor of the toothpaste aisle and speaking in tongues.
•  I made crepes for the first time today and they came out right. Just worth noting. Also worth noting, ricotta cheese with honey and sauteed apples is delicious.
• Chocolate milk was the perfect bribe until Bruce had to go and ruin it by bring a bottle of Quik home. All the mystery and therefore power of chocolate milk is gone.
• I have asked Calder if he wants his hair cut and he said no. It is out of my hands now.
• When I say Calder is a picky eater, I am not exaggerating. Tonight I had to talk him into eating the part of his pizza that was not crust.
  

A Short Play

Scene: Friday, interior car, early morning.

Calder: School? No school!
Leah: Yes, school. We have to go to work.
Calder: No school! Dinosaurs?
Bruce: You have to go to school tomorrow too.
Leah: (aside to B) You are an asshole.
Calder: No schooooool! Noooooo! Dinosaurs and fish!
Leah: School.
Calder: Noooooooooooooo!

...
...
...

Calder: Sharks?

This Thing Looks Like that Thing

OK Fine. I'll get his hair cut. Sooner or later. Eventually anyways.

There are worse people to look like, right?

Only One Day Off

Today, for the first time ever, Calder said, "I love you, Mommy" without being prompted. I am almost embarrassed to say how ridiculously happy that garbled, "lub bloo Mah-mee" made me. I nearly feel vindicated for my poorly out decision to procreate. 

Of course I then go and do something stupid like try to go to the Shedd Aquarium on a discount free day. Again. At least this time I had Cary for back up. Oh yeah, and we decided not to go see the fish and went to the Field Museum to see dinosaur bones for the second weekend in a row. I made the executive decision to finally just go all out and get a membership to the place. I feel like a real philanthropist now. Too bad I just spent my share of the grocery money. But it was on sale! And I also used it to avoid waiting in the aquarium runoff line with the rest of the unwashed masses. I guess Calder is going to have to learn to live on cultural enrichment alone.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Calder has a very special Valentine message for you all.

Well, stop watching Wonder Pets for twenty seconds and show the nice people your message, Calder.

Friday Film Fest: Dinosaur Train Edition

Little boys kids, especially Calder, love dinosaurs. Little boys kids, especially Calder, love trains. So, as you may be aware, PBS has cut right to the meat of issue and created a show called (no shit) Dinosaur Train. I'll admit DT is quite the goodness. You actually learn a lot about other thunder lizards than your run-of-the-mill-vanilla dinos like Triceratops and Apatosaurus and I love the artistic renderings of the dinosaurs featured in each episode. I also love Doctor Scott the Paleontologist because he is fine in a super adorkable way. Plus, how can you hate on a show that has a Christmas episode that features a bunch of hockey-playing Troodons with Canadian accents? You cannot. Dinosaur Train is a Jim Henson production so it's not a surprise that the songs are one of the best parts of the whole series. I kid you not, they are so. Damn. Catchy. I frequently find myself standing on a street corner, waiting for the light to change singing either:





OR




Why these two songs? Dunno, cause the theme song is pretty sweet, almost Johnny Cash-esque, and there are other catchy tunes about pooping and whatnot. Maybe it just means that I am hungry a lot.

Bed FAIL

 

That went less than well. So less in fact that I was reassembling the crib last night at 10:30 while Calder and Bruce were having cozy time in my bed.  I tried hard to get the boy to sleep in there one last time. Real hard. I got him all sleep while on the couhc, reading stories and singing songs, stroking his hair and rubbing his back until he finally drifted off allowing me to carry him to his roon and lpace him on teh bed only to have him wake up and say, "Mommy, fix. Fiiiiiiiiiix iiiiiiiiit."then start with the monstrous crying a blubbering again. I guess he's just not ready for the big boy bed yet.

I am not too saddened by the Great Big  Boy Bed Experiment of 2010's failure. You see, it was not my idea. The delicate stink of failure clings only to Bruce, not me. He's the one who randomly decided to take the crib front off. I just made the call to finish the conversion lest the thing fall apart without any cross support in the front. So me, free and clear. Bruce, total dumbass.

Yeah

That did not go so well. The two attempts we made to put Calder down in his new big boy bed (same bed, just one part missing) resulted in such a panic of violent flailing and hollering that Calder ultimately didn't fall asleep until 12:30. In bed with me. After hanging out on the couch with a dozing Bruce for two hours. Finally he went out and Bruce brought him to his bed where he stayed without incident. Yeah, an incident free 5 hours. How nice. We are morons.

Ooooooh, NIiiiiice

Calder's room is starting to look really nice. Bruce brought home this giant cabinet from work the other day and Calder came up with the idea of putting the wall stickers on it. Why does Calder need a giant cabinet? Well for one, he needs more space to store all his toys and shit. Seriously, this child is one thousand times more spoiled than I could have ever hoped to be as a kid. Yes, I know that is my fault. I am aware. Buying stuff is just easier than trying to fix what's wrong emotionally. Haha, kidding! Sort of. Secondly, Calder needs a giant cabinet to hold up the monstrous 27" SDTV that is going to be moved into his room shortly when Mommy's tv dreams finally come  true and she gets an HD set big enough that she can watch without her glasses on.

See? Doesn't that look nice? It looks just like that right now except that that level of clean doesn't last for more than 15 minutes and...

The crib is now a toddler bed! Whoooo- Wait, what? I thought you mentioned before that Calder still hasn't tried to escape yet, you might say. That is true, I did say that and in fact, he has yet to attempt such a feat but apparently Bruce and I were looking for a reason to drink beer and snipe at each other. It's a fact, Bruce and I cannot assemble so much as a birdhouse without engaging in an argument. Left alone, we could each put together a Sears & Roebuck pre-fab house in under an hour but attempting to build a bookcase together leads to such levels of bitchery as to necessitate an alcoholic beverage or several. The same goes for navigating in the car, except now Bruce just argues with the Tomtom. We are indeed the proud owners of several shaky bookcases, yes, but I can assure you that the crib is a well built pieces of furniture. How do I know? Perhaps I should let Calder explain?



So we no longer have an effective means of holding Calder captive at night. I wonder how long it will take before he is able to fall asleep in it with out escaping several dozen times. I am fairly certain this means Bruce and I will never get any, eh-hem, alone time in the near future what with Calder's mastery of doorknobs and all. I bet more than one morning I will be woken up like I was last Friday when, unbeknownst to me, Bruce had brought Calder to bed with us at 3:30am and then left for work waaay early. Instead if a blaringly annoying alarm I was roused by Calder, just inches from my face going "Hi Mommy, Where Daddy?" with the energy of a thousand Pomeranians. So if you see me in thenear future and I look terrible, please don't mention it. I know, it's because I have gotten a solid night's sleep since we took the crib apart.

OMG, Tools!

Oh, babycenter. I had given up on you, called you a fruit-filled worthless pile of nonsense. Then I discovered your tools! Your calculators and predictors!. Now I don't even have to wait until Calder grows up to find out what kind of person he will be. Huzzah! Instant gratification!

Like this height predictor ! After inputting his current height, age and how tall Bruce and I are it spit out 6'2" for Calder. Well...that's alright. I guess. It's not like, successful professional athlete tall or anything. I was hoping for a little closer to 6'4" which seems to be the going size of major league pitchers these days. I do have long arms though so maybe I shouldn't give up hope for his wingspan.*

And Milestone charts, where you can compare your kid to the millions of other children out there and who ever have been. Super! Another reason to feel inferior as a parent. I just LOVE that. Let's see, uhhhhh. Damn, it's still by months. I thought we'd be able to drop that crap by now. Ok so Calder is 25 months? 26-ish? Whatever, same section of the chart. So, let's bust this thing out:

Mastered skills- things most kids can do:

• Stack six blocks (sure, why not?)
• Walks with smooth heel to toe motion (Like the polka? Yes?)

Emerging Skills- half of kids can do:

• Uses pronouns which babycenter then helpfully lists for those who don't know what they are. I weep for the future of our nation (Yes)
• Washes and dries own hands (I think we know the answer to that)

Advanced skill- a few kids can do:

• Speaks clearly most of the time (I'd say so)
• Draws a vertical line (Uhhh, Calder! Get over here! Yes)

Wow, I don't feel so bad about the obvious gaping holes in my  mothering skillz any more (corn dogs, now a part of a balanced diet!) I won't go into the rest of the chart but it's fair to say Calder can do everything even the most advanced 30- month-olds can do save putting on a t-shirt which usually just results in him bumping around his bedroom with a shirt over his face going, "I stuck!". Although Calder has for the most part mastered his sock, it's going to be a long friggin' while before I have enough morning time to do my makeup anywhere other than the car.

*It is required that you say this in your head in a Dick Vitale voice. Trust me, it's vital.